So…..I’m in a mood

Well, I’m in a mood.  Yup, it’s like that.  So sit tight and hold on, it promises to be a hell of a ride!

There are things that have really been bothering me lately, things that most people overlook or simply ignore.  I’m not sure why they bother me, they just do.

One of those things are these damn commercials that say “New and Improved”.  W.T.F??  How can something be both NEW and IMPROVED???  By definition NEW is something that has either not existed until recently or something that existed but not experienced until recently.  NEW things are things that we are unfamiliar with with.

IMPROVED is, by definition, something that has been made better.  It is simply something that already existed and has already been experienced and has simply been made better than it previously was.

SO, it is, by definition, impossible for anything to be both new AND improved.  It simply can’t happen.  It must be one or the other, NOT both!!  New and Improved cereal is nothing but OLD cereal in a NEW box.  STOP SAYING NEW AND IMPROVED!!

Another thing that bothers me, WHY are there so many commercials for toilet paper??  Under WHAT circumstances do you NOT know of toilet paper??  If you’re poor, in an undeveloped country or isolated from civilization then you don’t see the damn commercials for toilet paper, and if you DO see the commercials then there’s a good damn chance that you have, at some point in your life, USED toilet paper.  So, WHY do we have to have so many Cottonelle, Charmin, and Quilted Northern (to mention a few) commercials??  Just stop, okay?

Then there are the ever popular Tampon commercials!!  These are the ones that really, really bother me.  I will be fifty five, yup 55, years old on Sunday.  I have been having my period for 45 long, miserable years.  AND NEVER ONCE in all those years have I ever felt like riding a horse, parasailing or playing fucking volleyball when I am in need of a Tampon!!  What I do feel like doing is eating chocolate, devouring a very, very rare steak and mentally killing anyone that dares to breathe my air!! 

And the Tampon commercial that shows them frolicking in the ocean…..honey, let me educate you on a few things.  Number one: when fishing for SHARKS, fishermen use a mixture of blood and raw fish that is called CHUM to draw the sharks in.  Number two: if you are on your period and you go into the ocean you are NOTHING more than CHUM ON LEGS!!  Yup, I said it, you are a raw, bloody fish walking INTO the realm of LARGE, HUNGRY FISH with HUGE teeth!!  Do you think a shark actually cares if you ARE a piece of bloody tuna if you SMELL like a piece of bloody tuna??  NO, THEY DO NOT!  And, if you’ve ever watched JAWS you know that the person about to become lunch NEVER hears the Daaaa, daaaa, daaa, daaaa sound that the rest of us get bombarded with!

So if you are going to advertise Tampons, show the bloated, angry, chocolate eating women in yoga pants that we all know are real and not the beautiful, slim, happy girl frolicking on the beach in a white bikini!!  STOP LYING TO US!!

Then there are the happy, dancing toddlers that giggle and laugh while you chase them through the living room in order to change their Pampers.  They show us these sweet little angels at least once an hour, along with their happy, smiling mommies who gladly change the dirty diaper.  NO ONE shows us the horrible little creatures that reach into their diapers and smear fresh, stinking crap across the beautiful pale yellow walls of their room.  They don’t show us the gagging and retching mother who struggles with the reality of blowing chunks when the miasma of baby stench reaches their nostrils.

I thought there was suppose to be TRUTH IN ADVERTISING!  What ever happened to that??  Did I miss something??

Apparently I have.

We have painted everything with the brush of wonderful and happy, sweet and clean, and forgotten the reason we need products like Clorox, Lysol and Awesome cleaner.  We show women frolicking in the waves instead of reaching for the Midol and Hershey’s.  We show Mommies that are delighted to change a shitty diaper instead of harried mothers who gag and swear to God that they NEVER fed their child the mixture that has shot from them.  We show a baby bear shitting in the woods (at least this commercial answers an age old question) while Momma Bear tells him he only need TWO squares of toilet paper instead of someone screaming that they are out of toilet paper from behind a closed bathroom door.  We show a child happily eating a bowl of oat doughnuts covered in milk and saying how good this NEW cereal is instead of showing a mother fighting with her child to get him to eat a bowl of non-sugar coated grain byproducts. 

Life is messy.  It is nasty, bloody, shitty and dirty.  It is real.  It is NOT frolicking on the beach in a white bikini during your period after changing the diaper of a lovely little cherub while his older brother eats Cheerios and the local bears play with toilet paper in the woods!   People don’t order all 250 types of milk shakes at a drive in restaurant, hide their chips in a different bag or have their car turn into a night club simply by playing some dance music.

Commercials are nothing more than 90 seconds of lies wrapped in pretty bow!

And some of the songs we listen to…….for example, I was talking to a friend tonight and she said “Save a horse, ride a cowboy”.  Well, that is one that I have never understood.  I get the ‘meaning’ of it, I understand the slightly suggestive reference.   What I DO NOT understand is HOW does ‘riding a cowboy’ save a horse??  What, exactly, is that cowboy DOING to that horse that YOU will save it by riding the cowboy?? And how LONG do you ride the cowboy??  If the horse is going to stay safe then the cowboy has to stay occupied……which means  YOU will have to occupy him FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!!

How about this one, ‘I want to taste her lips cause they taste like you, I want to drown myself in a bottle of her perfume…..”  Okay, once again all I can think of is WHY???  Did she snack on you a few minutes ago and now your blood flecks her lips and the singer wants to have a taste??  Is the singer depressed because the “she” in the song actually did snack on you and now the singer is depressed and wants to die??  Is this a song about zombies and the depression that follows for the survivors of the attack??

Or this one…….”You're the light, you're the night, You're the color of my blood, You're the cure, you're the pain, You're the only thing I wanna touch”  Is this bitch confused or what??  You’re bright, you’re dark, you’re red, you’re a vaccine, you’re torture, you’re the only thing I want.  Okay.  So, which are you??  Or better yet, WHAT is wrong with this person’s ability to tell dark from light??  And WHY are they singing about it?

One more and I’m done.  This one REALLY bothers me!

WTF is COMMON CORE MATH???  Seriously, what is it? WHY is it that we take a simple problem and turn it into a scientific experiment??  When did two plus two STOP being four??  Who cares how many buttons are on each of seven shirts if I can’t figure out how MUCH one shirt cost?? 

Common Core Math is the reason the cashier at McDonald’s has to call over the manager when I pay for my  $4.52 lunch (term used in the widest meaning) with a five dollar bill and two pennies.  The bitch lost it.  She literally had a mental breakdown and needed to take a break.  She could NOT figure out WHY I had given her two pennies.  It was “Too much money”, she said.  TOO MUCH MONEY??  Seriously?? Since when did two little copper coins have the ability to send someone off into a psychotic break?  Why couldn’t see understand that I only wanted two quarters back, not a quarter, two dimes and three pennies?  And the manager, he was stumped as well, I actually HAD TO EXPLAIN WHAT MY CHANGE SHOULD BE.  Never mind the amount of change shows up in blue lights on the register.  NOOOOOO.  We can’t do that!!  I ended up just taking the change from the five and then giving her five pennies for a nickel and then give her the nickel and two dimes for a quarter.  WTF???

Okay, I’m done.  I’m going to go to bed now that I have managed to irritate all of you!!

Later!

This is soo gross.....

So it's been a while since I've posted here.  Real life has a way of dragging us, kicking and screaming, from the things we really enjoy.

Yup, I do really enjoy posting my thoughts, ideas and twisted humor for all of you who bother to read/look at it.  Thank you, by the way!!

So, today is April 19th, it's the day before Easter Sunday AND it's my Birthday!!  Yup!!  I am all of 54 years old today.....notice I DID use the words "years old" instead of that stupid "years young" that most people over 50 insist on using?  Ya see, I am proud of each and every year I have survived on this earth!!  It's been a long, hard road!!  Yet, here I am, still putting one foot in front of the other and making my way down the road of life!!

Anyway, I did not start writing this with the thought of causing anyone to feel as though they HAVE to wish me a happy birthday.  I started writing this because my friend Sue (NOT the name she is known by) and I sat up last night watching last years episodes of BLACK ORPHAN.....well, we were actually talking and glancing at the TV from time to time.

It was an interesting conversation!!  LOL  And a gross one also!!

Now I'm going to do the only polite thing and clue you in on what we were discussing.  Feel free to leave at any point in time, because believe me, it will get to be an interesting, but really, really gross, conversation!

So, we were talking about the way things are around  here.  Both of us have lived other places, although she did grow up here.  She has lived in the North, New Jersey, and I lived in Ohio, and Kentucky, and Illinois.  We both worked at bartenders, and, believe me, we have BOTH heard things that most people would NOT believe.

Now that you have some background, let's get on with the conversation!!

Here, where we live, there are some things that neither of us had ever heard of before we moved here.  Not to be gross, but neither of  us had ever heard of GENITAL WARTS.

The first time someone was talking about this disgusting, virus induced, condition, someone was talking about having to get them "burned" off.  I, being the innocent (ha) thing that I am, spoke up and asked, "What the fuck are genital warts??  Better yet, HOW did  you get them, did you pick up a toad with your pussy??"

Of course, that didn't go over good with the person in question. She was insulted and got slightly pissed off, after she giggled a bit of course.  She informed me that genital warts are a virus that is sexually transmitted and that once you have them you can NEVER get rid of them.

GREAT!  So there's a virus that makes your private parts break out in warts and you have to get them burned off, only to have them re-appear at a moments notice??  WTF??

Where did this particular STD come from??  I mean seriously, WHO was the first person to contract this strange, and disfiguring, virus??  HOW did they get it??

Think about it, if you are going to engage in sex with someone DO YOU NOT LOOK AT THEM??  Come one people, if a cock looks like a stalk of broccoli it's probably a good idea to RUN LIKE YOUR ASS IN ON FIRE!!  LEAVE!!  DO NOT TOUCH THAT THING!!

Same goes for you men, if it looks like a head of CAULIFLOWER, DO NOT TOUCH!!

HOW can someone, anyone, lay down with someone if they have warts/sores/seepage/etc??  Does no one even LOOK at the particular body part that they are going to be indulging in?  Or is it that the raging hormones causes blindness and you don't notice??

I always thought that people had some simple rules where sexual activities are concerned.  I always figured that  people KNEW to not touch, caress, lick, suck, fondle ANYTHING that doesn't look NORMAL!!  There cannot be an excuse for NOT knowing what a woman/man looks like naked, there are WAY too many ways to see pictures.....internet/tv/movies/books.  Come on people!!

Even if it LOOKS normal, if it SMELLS like curdled yogurt the same rule applies!!  DO NOT IN ANY WAY HAVE CONTACT!!!   Point in fact, there is a "woman" (term used loosely) that lives in the county, she is not the most attractive person, but hey, many of us are not.  What she is though is odorous.  VERY!!
She can be two aisles over in the grocery store and YOU KNOW IT'S HER!!  Yup, NOT a good smell, kind of puts you off on the thought of food, which is usually the main reason you're in the grocery store!  Anyway, this woman not only has a man, she is MARRIED to him.  That facts brings up questions about his sense of smell.  Is he handicapped in that area??  I mean if I can smell her from two aisles over, surely he can smell her when he lies next to her in bed.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???  Water falls from the SKY, so not having water is no excuse.  There are Churches that will GIVE you soap.  So, either there is an inherent desire to smell like a well used skunk, or else there is a base problem that has yet to be dealt with.  Either way, something is wrong and MOST people would deal with it!!!

Another rule of thumb, so to speak, when you are going to engage in sexual activities with someone, PLEASE USE PROTECTION!!  Yup, I said it, I sound like a bad commercial, but I really don't give a shit!!

People, there are SOOOOO many things out there that can disfigure, traumatize, and even kill you!!  NO PUSSY/COCK is worth dying for!!  I do NOT care how good the sex is, PLEASURE IS TRANSIENT  DEATH IS FOREVER!!

Anyway, I'm done preaching!!  Now I'm going to go eat my Birthday Breakfast and go on with my day.  Maybe something wonderful will happen, at least I have been told that a person's birthday is a wonderful day.

Y'all be good!!

FAKEBOOK AND THE MASSIVE PAIN IN MY ASS......

SO, the twits at FAKEBOOK decided, once again, to do whatever they could to make our lives miserable. So here I am, working twice as hard to get my post to my group.
WTF???

Anyway, let's see if the twats can stop this one!

All I have to say is FAKEBOOK, I hope your genital warts clear up soon!!

OMG!!! What's wrong with me??

Interviewed a potential fuck-buddy today.  What a waste of time.

We talked over lunch, had a good conversation….it was going well….until……time for dessert….I, being who I am, ordered Ice Cream. He looked at me like I had shot his sister!!  WTF??

He gently took my hand and said, “You know you’re awesome, really you are.  I want to tell you that I am…..LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!”

WTF??

No whip cream…the real stuff that you make yourself, not the canned shit.

No ice cream

Then he said, I don’t agree with fishing.  I think it’s cruel to catch a poor defenseless creature on a GRAPPLING HOOK…..

Grappling hook???  WTF??  I’m not going after Jaws….I just want a catfish or two, maybe some bass or walleye……damn.

Anyway, we finished lunch in a fog of uncomfortable silence, shook hands and went our own ways.  It was NOT an experience I want to repeat.  EVER! 

I think I should write up a list of questions for handy reference before another of these “dates”.  You know what I mean, like an application only more personal.

It would look something like this:

NAME:

Address:                                                                                                              Zip Code:

Phone:

Marital Status:

If divorced, how many times?

Sexual Preferences, if any:

Availability: (NOT for relationship! Do you have any responsibilities that you causes you to be unavailable at certain times?)

Do you agree to the release of your medical records?  (If so, please date, sign and initial)

Have you ever been diagnosed as a pathological liar?  (If yes, are receiving treatment?)

Allergies: (Particularly to latex, flavored gels, honey, chocolate and whipped cream)

Hobbies:

Education:

Favorite sexual position:

Do you have excessive body hair?  Yes?  No?

Foreplay:   Yes?         No?   (Circle one)

Past Sexual experimentation, if any:

Ever slept with a blood relative:  Yes?  No?  (Circle one.  If yes….please enlighten me)

Children, if any, complete with ages:

Do you now have, or have you ever had, in your possession any of the following:  (please circle and explain)

1. Body butter                                                                       
2. Butt Plugs
3. Harness
4. Dresses
5. Panty hose
6. High Heels
7. Whips
8. Chains
9. Glitter
10. Diapers
11. Baby bibs
12. Pacifier
13. Chloroform
14. Handcuffs
15. Silk ties
16. Nipple Clamps
17. Body piercing equipment
18. Dildo
19. Vibrator
20. Lube
21. Or a Gerbil

Do you, or have you been known to, carry on a conversation in your sleep? If so, please explain.

Will you, or have you ever, participated in PDA??? (If you don’t know what this is, skip to end of application)

Are you, or have you ever, had sex with someone whose initials are C.B.? (Please refer to question #9 for reference):

Do you have any unusual traits such as, but not limited to, heaving sweating, night terrors, excessive belly button lint, curly toenails?

Do you swear all above information is true to your knowledge?  If so, please sign, date and initial.

If I could get potential partners to agree to filling out this questionnaire, AND get the medical records, I could probably take care of my little problem.

“Little problem”, you ask.  Yeah, I refer to the total absence of sexual behavior (with another person) as my little problem.   It’s irritating but not unfixable.

The only problem is that I don’t want a “quick fix”.  I don’t want a bar hookup or any bullshit like that.  I want a steady sex partner who doesn’t want a “relationship” of the traditional type.  Meaning, I want a sex monkey that answers my every beck and call, no matter what he is doing or where he is at, he will come running, preferably dropping his clothing on the way!

I realize that everything I’m saying makes me seem like some whore or something, but let’s be serious for a bit, okay? 

I enjoy NOT having to pick up after someone else.  I have raised my kids, done the married thing and the living with someone thing, and quite honestly, living alone is the BEST!!  Of course, I had NEVER lived alone until recently.  There was always someone, usually a child, lurking around the house, getting into things and basically making a mess.  For those of you that DO NOT know, children, even older ones, put a cramp into any sexual experimentation you may want to indulge in.   They also leave unidentifiable stains in their underwear and that is something I do NOT miss!! 

So, here I am, in the midst of my sexual prime……ALONE!!!

It sucks, and NOT in a good way!! 

I suppose I could do the whole entire picking up some dick in a bar and banging the night away…..but there are things out there that Clorox can’t wash off.  I’ve never been the real adventurous type and I sure as hell don’t want to die because of a piece of ass.   Gaping sores on my puss are NOT an option! Nor do I want to have to take antibiotics, shots, or any other form of STD treatment.

Then there’s the whole entire genital wart thing!   WTF??  Laser surgery to get rid of them only to have them come back again and again!!  Nope, not going to sign up for that one either!!

So, what I’m saying is, I need a relationship that isn’t a RELATIONSHIP.  I need someone that I like, maybe even that I COULD love, that is trust-worthy, clean, honest, and faithful to our sexual relationship, has time for me and enjoys the same things I do!!

Sounds like I want a REAL relationship, doesn’t it??

Honestly I don’t!  I do NOT want to a relationship in the sense that it may lead to questions about marriage, living arrangements, meeting the family(families), hanging out with mutual friends or doing someone else’s laundry!!!

I want the perks without the responsibilities!!

OMG, I just realized, I’m acting like a MAN!!!!

Now I’m traumatized!!!

A Day of Remberance

Today is a day of Remembrance.  It’s a day set aside to honor a man who gave  hope to those who were treated as second class citizens.  Today is Martin Luther King Day.

I don’t remember hearing the speech that still echoes throughout history.  I was just a little kid, only three on that day in August, 1963.  When  you’re that small  you aren't as affected by things that happen far from you, even if they are on television.

What I do remember is the way things were.  Not only that day in 1963, but days and years later.  I remember how, even in Ohio, if you were black you didn't quite measure up.  When I was a little older, before I even attended school, I can remember going to Kresge’s Department store on Main St. with my Grandma Freed and eating lunch.  It was something we did often and, for me, was a treat I looked forward to.  I asked my Grandma why the “colored” people couldn't set in the booths like we did.  I’ll never forget the look on her face as she explained that “They aren’t like us.”  She used words that were common for the day, ones that we don’t use now.

When I asked why the “coloreds” didn’t have plates and forks like ours, she just gave me a look and told me to eat my grilled cheese sandwich.  Although I was still curious, I did as I was told and was later rewarded with a toy.

But it stuck with me, those men and women being made to sit at the end of the counter and eat off of paper plates with plastic forks.  It hurt me to see the way the white waitresses ignored them when they wanted more coffee or soda.

The only thing I understood was that things were just that way and there was nothing to be done about it.  I was told that “they” should be glad they were allowed to eat inside with “decent” (meaning White) people.

When we were in Kentucky I never remarked on the fact that there were water fountains that said “WHITE ONLY” or that the bathrooms were MEN, WOMEN and COLORED.  I guess up until that day in the Department store with my Grandma Freed, I had never noticed that there were people who were treated like they were less than me.

When I started school the kids in my class looked like me, they were white.  When I was in first grade the school system started “bussing” kids into white schools, I just thought that meant that those kids lived far away from the school and had to ride the bus to get there.  It didn’t bother me that they were darker than I was, or that their hair was different than mine.  They were just new kids in school.

I remember the adults saying awful things about those kids, things I won’t repeat.  If I asked any questions about why they were mad that those little kids were coming to school with me, the adults would either tell me that I didn’t understand or else they would get angry and yell things that I didn’t understand. 

I made friends with this little girl that I’ll call “Jenny”.  She was so pretty with her caramel colored skin, green eyes and almost straight hair.  We enjoyed playing together, although my Momma wouldn’t let her come into the house and threw a fit when she found out I had gone into “Jenny”’s house to play.  Momma actually spanked me and told me to “never go into that ******* house again”.  I told Mamma she was a good girl and her Momma looked just like my Momma.  That’s when I found out that there were things worse than simply being “colored”.

“Jenny” told me about this man named Martin Luther King and how he was leading people to freedom.  We talked a great deal about that because I thought we were already free and I didn’t understand what she meant when she said this man was going to free her people. 

That young girl taught me  a lot about how life really was in the 1960’s.

She explained that her Momma and Daddy had to come to the North just to get married.  A black man would be killed for even attempting to marry a white woman.  She told me about her Daddy’s brother who was found hanging from a tree in Mississippi because he wanted colored people to be able to vote.  She told me of the men in sheets terrorizing her Granny and burning down her house.

She told me how she and I couldn’t go into Kresge’s together and have a root beer float.  She said that I couldn’t sit with her at the counter because if I did the waitresses would make me move and then wouldn’t serve her because I had sat with her.  She explained how she couldn’t go into the movies with me and sit in the same row, or why my Momma wouldn’t let her stay with me or me go to her house to play.  She told me how her Momma, who was white, was treated worse than any colored woman because she had “lowered” herself by marrying a colored man. 

I saw for myself how people, of both colors, treated “Jenny”.  She was considered the lowest of the low because she was not white OR colored.  The colored people hated her because she wasn’t black, the white people hated her because she wasn’t white.  She didn’t fit in anywhere, and it scared her for life.

On that warm April evening in 1968, a shot was fired from a 30 caliber weapon.  That shot changed the world.

A man of peace, a man who had nothing but hope for this country and the citizens in it, lay bleeding on a balcony in Memphis.  A short time later he lay dead in a hospital close by. 

Many thought the Dream was as dead as the man who had spoken of it.

Many more thought violence was the only response.

And my best friend “Jenny”?  She ran all the way to my house, tears streaming from her eyes, to share with me a pain I could never understand.  She found me playing under the streetlight in front of my house.  She simply looked at me with her big green eyes and, with a sob catching in her throat, told me that Dr. King was dead and that a white man had killed him.

The next few years were rift with protest, murders, and riots.   The National Guard used teargas and riot sticks on college students.  People were shot in their beds and horrible medical experimentations on black men were ended.

Slowly things changed.  People began to change their perception of each other.  Anyone could sit anywhere to eat their sandwiches and drink their sodas.  The balcony was for whomever wanted to sit there.

In the years that followed I found out a lot about my own family history.  I discovered that, although most of us look white, we aren’t.  Many of our ancestors “passed” as white, many didn’t care.  The mixture of Black, White and Native American had created a wide variety in my family’s skin tone, eye color and hair texture.  Many of the older ones wouldn’t admit to it, many of the young ones didn’t care.

My friend “Jenny” would have laughed.  But “Jenny” didn’t live to see the changes that have taken place.  The scars on her soul were too deep.  She was just seventeen years old when drugs and alcohol took her from us.

So, today, while so very many people remember a great man by the name of Dr. Martin Luther King, I also remember a little light skinned, green eyed girl named “Jenny”.

I feel like I'm on a movie set.....

You know how on a movie set the do the "lights, camera, action" thing?  Well, sitting here in the middle of the night, listening to the violence of Mother Nature (I swear that bitch needs to get laid) I feel as though I'm on HER movie set.  Instead of "Lights, camera, action" it's "Thunder, lightening, darkness".

Yeah, the power thing is still, well, it's still a thing.....the bitch with the clapper is working overtime tonight.  My lights are flickering so much I need a drink and some disco music.  (For the slower ones among you....it's like a strobe light)  I had a movie set to record and guess what.....I got the "complete signal loss" message for over two hours....unfortunately the movie was only 1 hour 56 minutes......and I experienced the flashing disco lights the entire time.  It's odd how the lights will flash, but the tv/dvr won't go off.....hmmmm....something to think about.

Anyway, during the thunder/lightening/darkness/rain/wind portion of the evening my male dog, who is OBSESSED with fishing and will jump head first into the creek but won't go outside if it's raining, decided that he just HAD to take a piss.  I went to the door, knowing that he would refuse to go out, opened it and stood there like an idiot while this lazy ass dog pissed off the porch.  This type of thing is one of MANY reasons that I do not and will not live with a man, particularly a man from here.  They INSIST on pissing off the porch at least once a week......just because they can.  And that brings us to our next subject....men from around here.

Now, I have lived many places and I have NEVER met an odder mix of male quirks than I have here.  If it's not the tobacco chewing, monster truck driving, arch typical redneck, it's the fussy about their hair, fastidious dressing, pool shooting, bar trolling man whore  who has never understood the concept of being with ONLY one woman (as opposed to one at a time) and will die in their sleep, probably drunk and definitely alone.  Then there is the oddly religious, won't say shit if their mouth is full of it, but will have affairs at the drop of a hat, uptight male and the beer swilling, I don't give a shit, MY woman will OBEY me, sexist pig (usually they favor that particular animal as well) and the I'm a reformed bad boy who has discovered my inner child and it's a girl, unsure of my sexual orientation but too frightened to find out, shy, backward male.

The ONLY thing these males have is common is that ANY of them would piss off a porch at the first opportunity.  I think it's a "marking my territory" thing, but it may be a "my dick is waving in the air, I'm pissing on anything I can in the broad daylight and no one cares because I AM MAN" type of thing.  Not really sure, but I'm going to start asking so I can have a better idea which of the two rank higher.

At the risk of sounding sexist, you will NEVER see a woman hang her ass off a porch to take a piss "just because she can", nor do we "mark our territory" that way.  We "nest" to mark our territory....and believe me, pissing on something is NOT considered "nesting".  If you piss on our "nest" we will hurt you, viciously and repeatedly!!  Do NOT piss on our nesting rituals!!  Not if you want to continue being able to  piss off the porch while standing up.

Yeah I went there.  I'm a woman, what do you expect?  We INVENTED the low blow the first time a caveman grabbed a cave woman's hair.  Her hair hurt, but he was in such pain he couldn't do what he had set out to do.  From what I understand, and I don't have balls, well just brass ones, getting kicked in them seems to turn a man's mind away from sex and toward death!  We woman are very aware how tender those little dangling nuggets of meat are, and we are NOT above talking about them, slapping at them, or just out and out planting our little pointy shoes right between them with a force that will leave you puking for hours.  You males learn that in kindergarten, right after we females do.

Speaking of balls, I've often wondered why the Creator left them unprotected in such a central location.  I mean, damn, even a midget could  nut you without too much trouble. I believe it's to show fairness.  We bleed for days on end, cramping, craving, bloating, and you (men) bitch and whine about it.  So, you're balls are left for target practice when you step too far over the line with the "never trust anything that bleeds for five days and survives" bullshit.  I think a swift kick to the balls of any man who dares utter those words while a woman is on her period is not only justified, but deserved!!  But that's just my opinion.

The thunder is rumbling up the holler, getting louder and louder by the minute, so I guess I should put an end to this rambling insanity.

Y'all be good if you can and take safety precautions if you can't.

Later~

Been a while......insanity runs true.....

It's been a while since I've posted to this blog.  But then again, the only reason I started it was because Fakebook had booted me and I needed some type of outlet for my insanity.

And since then the insanity has run true.  As some of you may know, we've been having storms like crazy, complete with one on June 28 that left most of the state powerless for 2 weeks or more.  Boy, that was fun.....NOT.

On a different blog I wrote a post about things to do in WV in the summer with no power (yes that IS a shameless link you see there!!).  When I wrote that I was in a very odd mood, and because it's on a blog that there is a chance someone with a high opinion may see, I didn't really cut loose.  So, I'm going to make up for it!!  LOL

Here is a list of things you WON'T do in WV in the summer with no power:

1. HAVE SEX!!  Yeah, I know there are those of you that THINK you'd fuck like rabbits because there isn't anything else to do, but let me tell you....When it's 102 degrees, 100% humidity (which makes it like 120) and you feel like you're breathing pudding, have NO cold water (IF you have water at all), no way to cool off and are so sweaty and stinking that you can't stand to be around yourself, the chances of you finding ANYONE that you actually WOULD have sex with that is interested in being around your stinking sweaty body is slim to nonexistent.

2. WALK IN THE WOOD LOOKING FOR A COOLER PLACE TO HAVE SEX (yeah, sex seems to be the main topic, doesn't it?)  Whether or not you realize it, the trees also SWEAT....not salt water like we do, but they give off TONS of sap and moist air!!  And let's not forget ticks, deer flies, mosquitoes, VERY hot, pissed off poisonous snakes, ill humored yellow jackets, hornets, and various and sunder animals with pissy attitudes because they are wondering around in the 100 degree heat with a FUR COAT ON!!!

3. GO TO THE RIVER TO SWIM.....sounds like a good idea, but seeing as how they dumped raw sewage in the main river (accident?  on purpose?  We're not suppose to talk about it, but they did it, we know they did it, we SMELLED the fact that they did it!!) it didn't seem like that good of an idea to me!  Although I did go to a smaller creek and swim....there wasn't anymore shit in it that there usually is!  But after a week of NO RAIN and 100 degree days, the water turned nasty so swimming wasn't a good idea for more than a few days.....not to mention you would be in the sun, around a bunch of other people and couldn't have sex!!

4. EAT A HEALTHY MEAL....unless you can find a restaurant that is open, which is difficult seeing as how they NEED electric in order to have stuff to fix.   Now, for those of you saying...COOK ON A GRILL...okay, if I had one, but then you face the problem of HOW to keep the food after it's cooked.  There was NO ICE in the county (or any of the surrounding ones) for almost 10 days.  No ice, no fridge, NO keeping ANYTHING.  It takes broccoli four days to go bad in that type of weather, I know because I USED to like broccoli until I had to survive on it for three days!  Besides, broccoli for three days makes you gassy.....gassy is NOT conductive for good sex....actually it's not a good idea to eat broccoli for three days even if you want lousy sex....farting is not all that attractive and not in the least bit seductive!!

5. GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.....it's difficult to sleep when the humidity is so high and the temp doesn't fall below 80.  You can sleep on the porch, I did, but then you turn into a meal on two legs.....deer flies obviously don't sleep at night and we all know that mosquitoes don't......and there is this really tiny, red bug that LOVES to munch on human blood....don't know what it is, just know it LOVES to bite!  And we can't forget the arguing neighbors (lack of sex does that to some people), barking dogs, fighting tom cats, bull frogs, cicadas, crickets, owls and peepers (small frogs that you begin hearing in the Spring).   Being in the woods of WV you also have to think about the night wanderers....you know, fox, raccoons, possums, bears, coyotes, bob cats....etc, etc......and believe me, while you're thinking about them you will NOT get a good night's sleep!!  Not getting even one good night's sleep in two weeks makes  you VERY cranky....actually it would turn ANYONE into a little spiteful bitch that hates anything that breathes near them.  Being a spiteful little bitch that hates anything that breathes near you isn't a good idea if you want to get laid!

6. TAKE A SHOWER....for those of us that live in the country and don't have "city water" we HAVE to have electric to run the well pump and hot water heater (if it's electric).  No electric = NO WATER.  No water = stinking asses and armpits....not to mention it also means carrying water from the creek or using your drinking water to flush the toilet so your house doesn't smell like an outhouse!  I can tell you from experience that baby wipes only work for so long before you begin to smell like sweat, shit AND baby wipes!!  Smelling like sweat and shit, even if there is a lingering odor of baby wipes, makes it all but impossible to get laid, unless of course you're looking to entertain that bear I mentioned earlier and, as bad as they stink, I still think the bear's sense of romance would be dampened by your ungodly stench!  (Although I admit that one night about 6 days into this living hell it rained for about an hour.  It was a nice warm rain, perfect for taking a nekkid nature shower on your back deck, which I did!! I ACTUALLY got clean!!  It was amazing and probably the thing I am most thankful to Mother Nature for during that time!)

7.  Have a conversation about ANYTHING other than the electric being out for so long!!  ALL our conversations were either about "when the hell are they going to fix it", "we've been without for __(fill in number of days)" or "I'm so fucking sick of this".  I'm as guilty as anyone else, but after a few days of "ripening" in the sun and NOT eating, you really can't think about too much else.  Even now there are MANY conversations that have the electric outage dropped into them, but of course some of us have only had a few days here and there when our electric is actually on! (I'm on 10 days now!!  Of course it's been off 6 times between most of those days, but today makes FOUR actually days in a row~!!!)  I realize some people don't like to have a conversation before they fuck, but for me the intellectual foreplay is VITAL to get my pants (shorts, skirt, whatever) off....of course for the most part I only wore a bathing suit during the outage, unless of course when I ventured to the store for supplies, but still the intellectual foreplay would have been necessary....IF anyone could have stood being around me long enough for a conversation!

I know that was a lot to read in order for me to basically tell you the main thing you DON'T do in West Virginia in the summer (think sweltering, miserable heat) during a power outage is:
YOU DON'T HAVE SEX!!!!