OMG!!! What's wrong with me??

Interviewed a potential fuck-buddy today.  What a waste of time.

We talked over lunch, had a good conversation….it was going well….until……time for dessert….I, being who I am, ordered Ice Cream. He looked at me like I had shot his sister!!  WTF??

He gently took my hand and said, “You know you’re awesome, really you are.  I want to tell you that I am…..LACTOSE INTOLERANT!!”

WTF??

No whip cream…the real stuff that you make yourself, not the canned shit.

No ice cream

Then he said, I don’t agree with fishing.  I think it’s cruel to catch a poor defenseless creature on a GRAPPLING HOOK…..

Grappling hook???  WTF??  I’m not going after Jaws….I just want a catfish or two, maybe some bass or walleye……damn.

Anyway, we finished lunch in a fog of uncomfortable silence, shook hands and went our own ways.  It was NOT an experience I want to repeat.  EVER! 

I think I should write up a list of questions for handy reference before another of these “dates”.  You know what I mean, like an application only more personal.

It would look something like this:

NAME:

Address:                                                                                                              Zip Code:

Phone:

Marital Status:

If divorced, how many times?

Sexual Preferences, if any:

Availability: (NOT for relationship! Do you have any responsibilities that you causes you to be unavailable at certain times?)

Do you agree to the release of your medical records?  (If so, please date, sign and initial)

Have you ever been diagnosed as a pathological liar?  (If yes, are receiving treatment?)

Allergies: (Particularly to latex, flavored gels, honey, chocolate and whipped cream)

Hobbies:

Education:

Favorite sexual position:

Do you have excessive body hair?  Yes?  No?

Foreplay:   Yes?         No?   (Circle one)

Past Sexual experimentation, if any:

Ever slept with a blood relative:  Yes?  No?  (Circle one.  If yes….please enlighten me)

Children, if any, complete with ages:

Do you now have, or have you ever had, in your possession any of the following:  (please circle and explain)

1. Body butter                                                                       
2. Butt Plugs
3. Harness
4. Dresses
5. Panty hose
6. High Heels
7. Whips
8. Chains
9. Glitter
10. Diapers
11. Baby bibs
12. Pacifier
13. Chloroform
14. Handcuffs
15. Silk ties
16. Nipple Clamps
17. Body piercing equipment
18. Dildo
19. Vibrator
20. Lube
21. Or a Gerbil

Do you, or have you been known to, carry on a conversation in your sleep? If so, please explain.

Will you, or have you ever, participated in PDA??? (If you don’t know what this is, skip to end of application)

Are you, or have you ever, had sex with someone whose initials are C.B.? (Please refer to question #9 for reference):

Do you have any unusual traits such as, but not limited to, heaving sweating, night terrors, excessive belly button lint, curly toenails?

Do you swear all above information is true to your knowledge?  If so, please sign, date and initial.

If I could get potential partners to agree to filling out this questionnaire, AND get the medical records, I could probably take care of my little problem.

“Little problem”, you ask.  Yeah, I refer to the total absence of sexual behavior (with another person) as my little problem.   It’s irritating but not unfixable.

The only problem is that I don’t want a “quick fix”.  I don’t want a bar hookup or any bullshit like that.  I want a steady sex partner who doesn’t want a “relationship” of the traditional type.  Meaning, I want a sex monkey that answers my every beck and call, no matter what he is doing or where he is at, he will come running, preferably dropping his clothing on the way!

I realize that everything I’m saying makes me seem like some whore or something, but let’s be serious for a bit, okay? 

I enjoy NOT having to pick up after someone else.  I have raised my kids, done the married thing and the living with someone thing, and quite honestly, living alone is the BEST!!  Of course, I had NEVER lived alone until recently.  There was always someone, usually a child, lurking around the house, getting into things and basically making a mess.  For those of you that DO NOT know, children, even older ones, put a cramp into any sexual experimentation you may want to indulge in.   They also leave unidentifiable stains in their underwear and that is something I do NOT miss!! 

So, here I am, in the midst of my sexual prime……ALONE!!!

It sucks, and NOT in a good way!! 

I suppose I could do the whole entire picking up some dick in a bar and banging the night away…..but there are things out there that Clorox can’t wash off.  I’ve never been the real adventurous type and I sure as hell don’t want to die because of a piece of ass.   Gaping sores on my puss are NOT an option! Nor do I want to have to take antibiotics, shots, or any other form of STD treatment.

Then there’s the whole entire genital wart thing!   WTF??  Laser surgery to get rid of them only to have them come back again and again!!  Nope, not going to sign up for that one either!!

So, what I’m saying is, I need a relationship that isn’t a RELATIONSHIP.  I need someone that I like, maybe even that I COULD love, that is trust-worthy, clean, honest, and faithful to our sexual relationship, has time for me and enjoys the same things I do!!

Sounds like I want a REAL relationship, doesn’t it??

Honestly I don’t!  I do NOT want to a relationship in the sense that it may lead to questions about marriage, living arrangements, meeting the family(families), hanging out with mutual friends or doing someone else’s laundry!!!

I want the perks without the responsibilities!!

OMG, I just realized, I’m acting like a MAN!!!!

Now I’m traumatized!!!