Well, I’m in a mood. Yup, it’s like that. So sit tight and hold on, it promises to be a hell of a ride!
There are things that have really been bothering me lately, things that most people overlook or simply ignore. I’m not sure why they bother me, they just do.
One of those things are these damn commercials that say “New and Improved”. W.T.F?? How can something be both NEW and IMPROVED??? By definition NEW is something that has either not existed until recently or something that existed but not experienced until recently. NEW things are things that we are unfamiliar with with.
IMPROVED is, by definition, something that has been made better. It is simply something that already existed and has already been experienced and has simply been made better than it previously was.
SO, it is, by definition, impossible for anything to be both new AND improved. It simply can’t happen. It must be one or the other, NOT both!! New and Improved cereal is nothing but OLD cereal in a NEW box. STOP SAYING NEW AND IMPROVED!!
Another thing that bothers me, WHY are there so many commercials for toilet paper?? Under WHAT circumstances do you NOT know of toilet paper?? If you’re poor, in an undeveloped country or isolated from civilization then you don’t see the damn commercials for toilet paper, and if you DO see the commercials then there’s a good damn chance that you have, at some point in your life, USED toilet paper. So, WHY do we have to have so many Cottonelle, Charmin, and Quilted Northern (to mention a few) commercials?? Just stop, okay?
Then there are the ever popular Tampon commercials!! These are the ones that really, really bother me. I will be fifty five, yup 55, years old on Sunday. I have been having my period for 45 long, miserable years. AND NEVER ONCE in all those years have I ever felt like riding a horse, parasailing or playing fucking volleyball when I am in need of a Tampon!! What I do feel like doing is eating chocolate, devouring a very, very rare steak and mentally killing anyone that dares to breathe my air!!
And the Tampon commercial that shows them frolicking in the ocean…..honey, let me educate you on a few things. Number one: when fishing for SHARKS, fishermen use a mixture of blood and raw fish that is called CHUM to draw the sharks in. Number two: if you are on your period and you go into the ocean you are NOTHING more than CHUM ON LEGS!! Yup, I said it, you are a raw, bloody fish walking INTO the realm of LARGE, HUNGRY FISH with HUGE teeth!! Do you think a shark actually cares if you ARE a piece of bloody tuna if you SMELL like a piece of bloody tuna?? NO, THEY DO NOT! And, if you’ve ever watched JAWS you know that the person about to become lunch NEVER hears the Daaaa, daaaa, daaa, daaaa sound that the rest of us get bombarded with!
So if you are going to advertise Tampons, show the bloated, angry, chocolate eating women in yoga pants that we all know are real and not the beautiful, slim, happy girl frolicking on the beach in a white bikini!! STOP LYING TO US!!
Then there are the happy, dancing toddlers that giggle and laugh while you chase them through the living room in order to change their Pampers. They show us these sweet little angels at least once an hour, along with their happy, smiling mommies who gladly change the dirty diaper. NO ONE shows us the horrible little creatures that reach into their diapers and smear fresh, stinking crap across the beautiful pale yellow walls of their room. They don’t show us the gagging and retching mother who struggles with the reality of blowing chunks when the miasma of baby stench reaches their nostrils.
I thought there was suppose to be TRUTH IN ADVERTISING! What ever happened to that?? Did I miss something??
Apparently I have.
We have painted everything with the brush of wonderful and happy, sweet and clean, and forgotten the reason we need products like Clorox, Lysol and Awesome cleaner. We show women frolicking in the waves instead of reaching for the Midol and Hershey’s. We show Mommies that are delighted to change a shitty diaper instead of harried mothers who gag and swear to God that they NEVER fed their child the mixture that has shot from them. We show a baby bear shitting in the woods (at least this commercial answers an age old question) while Momma Bear tells him he only need TWO squares of toilet paper instead of someone screaming that they are out of toilet paper from behind a closed bathroom door. We show a child happily eating a bowl of oat doughnuts covered in milk and saying how good this NEW cereal is instead of showing a mother fighting with her child to get him to eat a bowl of non-sugar coated grain byproducts.
Life is messy. It is nasty, bloody, shitty and dirty. It is real. It is NOT frolicking on the beach in a white bikini during your period after changing the diaper of a lovely little cherub while his older brother eats Cheerios and the local bears play with toilet paper in the woods! People don’t order all 250 types of milk shakes at a drive in restaurant, hide their chips in a different bag or have their car turn into a night club simply by playing some dance music.
Commercials are nothing more than 90 seconds of lies wrapped in pretty bow!
And some of the songs we listen to…….for example, I was talking to a friend tonight and she said “Save a horse, ride a cowboy”. Well, that is one that I have never understood. I get the ‘meaning’ of it, I understand the slightly suggestive reference. What I DO NOT understand is HOW does ‘riding a cowboy’ save a horse?? What, exactly, is that cowboy DOING to that horse that YOU will save it by riding the cowboy?? And how LONG do you ride the cowboy?? If the horse is going to stay safe then the cowboy has to stay occupied……which means YOU will have to occupy him FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!!
How about this one, ‘I want to taste her lips cause they taste like you, I want to drown myself in a bottle of her perfume…..” Okay, once again all I can think of is WHY??? Did she snack on you a few minutes ago and now your blood flecks her lips and the singer wants to have a taste?? Is the singer depressed because the “she” in the song actually did snack on you and now the singer is depressed and wants to die?? Is this a song about zombies and the depression that follows for the survivors of the attack??
Or this one…….”You're the light, you're the night, You're the color of my blood, You're the cure, you're the pain, You're the only thing I wanna touch” Is this bitch confused or what?? You’re bright, you’re dark, you’re red, you’re a vaccine, you’re torture, you’re the only thing I want. Okay. So, which are you?? Or better yet, WHAT is wrong with this person’s ability to tell dark from light?? And WHY are they singing about it?
One more and I’m done. This one REALLY bothers me!
WTF is COMMON CORE MATH??? Seriously, what is it? WHY is it that we take a simple problem and turn it into a scientific experiment?? When did two plus two STOP being four?? Who cares how many buttons are on each of seven shirts if I can’t figure out how MUCH one shirt cost??
Common Core Math is the reason the cashier at McDonald’s has to call over the manager when I pay for my $4.52 lunch (term used in the widest meaning) with a five dollar bill and two pennies. The bitch lost it. She literally had a mental breakdown and needed to take a break. She could NOT figure out WHY I had given her two pennies. It was “Too much money”, she said. TOO MUCH MONEY?? Seriously?? Since when did two little copper coins have the ability to send someone off into a psychotic break? Why couldn’t see understand that I only wanted two quarters back, not a quarter, two dimes and three pennies? And the manager, he was stumped as well, I actually HAD TO EXPLAIN WHAT MY CHANGE SHOULD BE. Never mind the amount of change shows up in blue lights on the register. NOOOOOO. We can’t do that!! I ended up just taking the change from the five and then giving her five pennies for a nickel and then give her the nickel and two dimes for a quarter. WTF???
Okay, I’m done. I’m going to go to bed now that I have managed to irritate all of you!!
Later!
