You know how on a movie set the do the "lights, camera, action" thing? Well, sitting here in the middle of the night, listening to the violence of Mother Nature (I swear that bitch needs to get laid) I feel as though I'm on HER movie set. Instead of "Lights, camera, action" it's "Thunder, lightening, darkness".
Yeah, the power thing is still, well, it's still a thing.....the bitch with the clapper is working overtime tonight. My lights are flickering so much I need a drink and some disco music. (For the slower ones among you....it's like a strobe light) I had a movie set to record and guess what.....I got the "complete signal loss" message for over two hours....unfortunately the movie was only 1 hour 56 minutes......and I experienced the flashing disco lights the entire time. It's odd how the lights will flash, but the tv/dvr won't go off.....hmmmm....something to think about.
Anyway, during the thunder/lightening/darkness/rain/wind portion of the evening my male dog, who is OBSESSED with fishing and will jump head first into the creek but won't go outside if it's raining, decided that he just HAD to take a piss. I went to the door, knowing that he would refuse to go out, opened it and stood there like an idiot while this lazy ass dog pissed off the porch. This type of thing is one of MANY reasons that I do not and will not live with a man, particularly a man from here. They INSIST on pissing off the porch at least once a week......just because they can. And that brings us to our next subject....men from around here.
Now, I have lived many places and I have NEVER met an odder mix of male quirks than I have here. If it's not the tobacco chewing, monster truck driving, arch typical redneck, it's the fussy about their hair, fastidious dressing, pool shooting, bar trolling man whore who has never understood the concept of being with ONLY one woman (as opposed to one at a time) and will die in their sleep, probably drunk and definitely alone. Then there is the oddly religious, won't say shit if their mouth is full of it, but will have affairs at the drop of a hat, uptight male and the beer swilling, I don't give a shit, MY woman will OBEY me, sexist pig (usually they favor that particular animal as well) and the I'm a reformed bad boy who has discovered my inner child and it's a girl, unsure of my sexual orientation but too frightened to find out, shy, backward male.
The ONLY thing these males have is common is that ANY of them would piss off a porch at the first opportunity. I think it's a "marking my territory" thing, but it may be a "my dick is waving in the air, I'm pissing on anything I can in the broad daylight and no one cares because I AM MAN" type of thing. Not really sure, but I'm going to start asking so I can have a better idea which of the two rank higher.
At the risk of sounding sexist, you will NEVER see a woman hang her ass off a porch to take a piss "just because she can", nor do we "mark our territory" that way. We "nest" to mark our territory....and believe me, pissing on something is NOT considered "nesting". If you piss on our "nest" we will hurt you, viciously and repeatedly!! Do NOT piss on our nesting rituals!! Not if you want to continue being able to piss off the porch while standing up.
Yeah I went there. I'm a woman, what do you expect? We INVENTED the low blow the first time a caveman grabbed a cave woman's hair. Her hair hurt, but he was in such pain he couldn't do what he had set out to do. From what I understand, and I don't have balls, well just brass ones, getting kicked in them seems to turn a man's mind away from sex and toward death! We woman are very aware how tender those little dangling nuggets of meat are, and we are NOT above talking about them, slapping at them, or just out and out planting our little pointy shoes right between them with a force that will leave you puking for hours. You males learn that in kindergarten, right after we females do.
Speaking of balls, I've often wondered why the Creator left them unprotected in such a central location. I mean, damn, even a midget could nut you without too much trouble. I believe it's to show fairness. We bleed for days on end, cramping, craving, bloating, and you (men) bitch and whine about it. So, you're balls are left for target practice when you step too far over the line with the "never trust anything that bleeds for five days and survives" bullshit. I think a swift kick to the balls of any man who dares utter those words while a woman is on her period is not only justified, but deserved!! But that's just my opinion.
The thunder is rumbling up the holler, getting louder and louder by the minute, so I guess I should put an end to this rambling insanity.
Y'all be good if you can and take safety precautions if you can't.
Later~
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Been a while......insanity runs true.....
It's been a while since I've posted to this blog. But then again, the only reason I started it was because Fakebook had booted me and I needed some type of outlet for my insanity.
And since then the insanity has run true. As some of you may know, we've been having storms like crazy, complete with one on June 28 that left most of the state powerless for 2 weeks or more. Boy, that was fun.....NOT.
On a different blog I wrote a post about things to do in WV in the summer with no power (yes that IS a shameless link you see there!!). When I wrote that I was in a very odd mood, and because it's on a blog that there is a chance someone with a high opinion may see, I didn't really cut loose. So, I'm going to make up for it!! LOL
Here is a list of things you WON'T do in WV in the summer with no power:
1. HAVE SEX!! Yeah, I know there are those of you that THINK you'd fuck like rabbits because there isn't anything else to do, but let me tell you....When it's 102 degrees, 100% humidity (which makes it like 120) and you feel like you're breathing pudding, have NO cold water (IF you have water at all), no way to cool off and are so sweaty and stinking that you can't stand to be around yourself, the chances of you finding ANYONE that you actually WOULD have sex with that is interested in being around your stinking sweaty body is slim to nonexistent.
2. WALK IN THE WOOD LOOKING FOR A COOLER PLACE TO HAVE SEX (yeah, sex seems to be the main topic, doesn't it?) Whether or not you realize it, the trees also SWEAT....not salt water like we do, but they give off TONS of sap and moist air!! And let's not forget ticks, deer flies, mosquitoes, VERY hot, pissed off poisonous snakes, ill humored yellow jackets, hornets, and various and sunder animals with pissy attitudes because they are wondering around in the 100 degree heat with a FUR COAT ON!!!
3. GO TO THE RIVER TO SWIM.....sounds like a good idea, but seeing as how they dumped raw sewage in the main river (accident? on purpose? We're not suppose to talk about it, but they did it, we know they did it, we SMELLED the fact that they did it!!) it didn't seem like that good of an idea to me! Although I did go to a smaller creek and swim....there wasn't anymore shit in it that there usually is! But after a week of NO RAIN and 100 degree days, the water turned nasty so swimming wasn't a good idea for more than a few days.....not to mention you would be in the sun, around a bunch of other people and couldn't have sex!!
4. EAT A HEALTHY MEAL....unless you can find a restaurant that is open, which is difficult seeing as how they NEED electric in order to have stuff to fix. Now, for those of you saying...COOK ON A GRILL...okay, if I had one, but then you face the problem of HOW to keep the food after it's cooked. There was NO ICE in the county (or any of the surrounding ones) for almost 10 days. No ice, no fridge, NO keeping ANYTHING. It takes broccoli four days to go bad in that type of weather, I know because I USED to like broccoli until I had to survive on it for three days! Besides, broccoli for three days makes you gassy.....gassy is NOT conductive for good sex....actually it's not a good idea to eat broccoli for three days even if you want lousy sex....farting is not all that attractive and not in the least bit seductive!!
5. GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.....it's difficult to sleep when the humidity is so high and the temp doesn't fall below 80. You can sleep on the porch, I did, but then you turn into a meal on two legs.....deer flies obviously don't sleep at night and we all know that mosquitoes don't......and there is this really tiny, red bug that LOVES to munch on human blood....don't know what it is, just know it LOVES to bite! And we can't forget the arguing neighbors (lack of sex does that to some people), barking dogs, fighting tom cats, bull frogs, cicadas, crickets, owls and peepers (small frogs that you begin hearing in the Spring). Being in the woods of WV you also have to think about the night wanderers....you know, fox, raccoons, possums, bears, coyotes, bob cats....etc, etc......and believe me, while you're thinking about them you will NOT get a good night's sleep!! Not getting even one good night's sleep in two weeks makes you VERY cranky....actually it would turn ANYONE into a little spiteful bitch that hates anything that breathes near them. Being a spiteful little bitch that hates anything that breathes near you isn't a good idea if you want to get laid!
6. TAKE A SHOWER....for those of us that live in the country and don't have "city water" we HAVE to have electric to run the well pump and hot water heater (if it's electric). No electric = NO WATER. No water = stinking asses and armpits....not to mention it also means carrying water from the creek or using your drinking water to flush the toilet so your house doesn't smell like an outhouse! I can tell you from experience that baby wipes only work for so long before you begin to smell like sweat, shit AND baby wipes!! Smelling like sweat and shit, even if there is a lingering odor of baby wipes, makes it all but impossible to get laid, unless of course you're looking to entertain that bear I mentioned earlier and, as bad as they stink, I still think the bear's sense of romance would be dampened by your ungodly stench! (Although I admit that one night about 6 days into this living hell it rained for about an hour. It was a nice warm rain, perfect for taking a nekkid nature shower on your back deck, which I did!! I ACTUALLY got clean!! It was amazing and probably the thing I am most thankful to Mother Nature for during that time!)
7. Have a conversation about ANYTHING other than the electric being out for so long!! ALL our conversations were either about "when the hell are they going to fix it", "we've been without for __(fill in number of days)" or "I'm so fucking sick of this". I'm as guilty as anyone else, but after a few days of "ripening" in the sun and NOT eating, you really can't think about too much else. Even now there are MANY conversations that have the electric outage dropped into them, but of course some of us have only had a few days here and there when our electric is actually on! (I'm on 10 days now!! Of course it's been off 6 times between most of those days, but today makes FOUR actually days in a row~!!!) I realize some people don't like to have a conversation before they fuck, but for me the intellectual foreplay is VITAL to get my pants (shorts, skirt, whatever) off....of course for the most part I only wore a bathing suit during the outage, unless of course when I ventured to the store for supplies, but still the intellectual foreplay would have been necessary....IF anyone could have stood being around me long enough for a conversation!
I know that was a lot to read in order for me to basically tell you the main thing you DON'T do in West Virginia in the summer (think sweltering, miserable heat) during a power outage is:
YOU DON'T HAVE SEX!!!!
And since then the insanity has run true. As some of you may know, we've been having storms like crazy, complete with one on June 28 that left most of the state powerless for 2 weeks or more. Boy, that was fun.....NOT.
On a different blog I wrote a post about things to do in WV in the summer with no power (yes that IS a shameless link you see there!!). When I wrote that I was in a very odd mood, and because it's on a blog that there is a chance someone with a high opinion may see, I didn't really cut loose. So, I'm going to make up for it!! LOL
Here is a list of things you WON'T do in WV in the summer with no power:
1. HAVE SEX!! Yeah, I know there are those of you that THINK you'd fuck like rabbits because there isn't anything else to do, but let me tell you....When it's 102 degrees, 100% humidity (which makes it like 120) and you feel like you're breathing pudding, have NO cold water (IF you have water at all), no way to cool off and are so sweaty and stinking that you can't stand to be around yourself, the chances of you finding ANYONE that you actually WOULD have sex with that is interested in being around your stinking sweaty body is slim to nonexistent.
2. WALK IN THE WOOD LOOKING FOR A COOLER PLACE TO HAVE SEX (yeah, sex seems to be the main topic, doesn't it?) Whether or not you realize it, the trees also SWEAT....not salt water like we do, but they give off TONS of sap and moist air!! And let's not forget ticks, deer flies, mosquitoes, VERY hot, pissed off poisonous snakes, ill humored yellow jackets, hornets, and various and sunder animals with pissy attitudes because they are wondering around in the 100 degree heat with a FUR COAT ON!!!
3. GO TO THE RIVER TO SWIM.....sounds like a good idea, but seeing as how they dumped raw sewage in the main river (accident? on purpose? We're not suppose to talk about it, but they did it, we know they did it, we SMELLED the fact that they did it!!) it didn't seem like that good of an idea to me! Although I did go to a smaller creek and swim....there wasn't anymore shit in it that there usually is! But after a week of NO RAIN and 100 degree days, the water turned nasty so swimming wasn't a good idea for more than a few days.....not to mention you would be in the sun, around a bunch of other people and couldn't have sex!!
4. EAT A HEALTHY MEAL....unless you can find a restaurant that is open, which is difficult seeing as how they NEED electric in order to have stuff to fix. Now, for those of you saying...COOK ON A GRILL...okay, if I had one, but then you face the problem of HOW to keep the food after it's cooked. There was NO ICE in the county (or any of the surrounding ones) for almost 10 days. No ice, no fridge, NO keeping ANYTHING. It takes broccoli four days to go bad in that type of weather, I know because I USED to like broccoli until I had to survive on it for three days! Besides, broccoli for three days makes you gassy.....gassy is NOT conductive for good sex....actually it's not a good idea to eat broccoli for three days even if you want lousy sex....farting is not all that attractive and not in the least bit seductive!!
5. GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.....it's difficult to sleep when the humidity is so high and the temp doesn't fall below 80. You can sleep on the porch, I did, but then you turn into a meal on two legs.....deer flies obviously don't sleep at night and we all know that mosquitoes don't......and there is this really tiny, red bug that LOVES to munch on human blood....don't know what it is, just know it LOVES to bite! And we can't forget the arguing neighbors (lack of sex does that to some people), barking dogs, fighting tom cats, bull frogs, cicadas, crickets, owls and peepers (small frogs that you begin hearing in the Spring). Being in the woods of WV you also have to think about the night wanderers....you know, fox, raccoons, possums, bears, coyotes, bob cats....etc, etc......and believe me, while you're thinking about them you will NOT get a good night's sleep!! Not getting even one good night's sleep in two weeks makes you VERY cranky....actually it would turn ANYONE into a little spiteful bitch that hates anything that breathes near them. Being a spiteful little bitch that hates anything that breathes near you isn't a good idea if you want to get laid!
6. TAKE A SHOWER....for those of us that live in the country and don't have "city water" we HAVE to have electric to run the well pump and hot water heater (if it's electric). No electric = NO WATER. No water = stinking asses and armpits....not to mention it also means carrying water from the creek or using your drinking water to flush the toilet so your house doesn't smell like an outhouse! I can tell you from experience that baby wipes only work for so long before you begin to smell like sweat, shit AND baby wipes!! Smelling like sweat and shit, even if there is a lingering odor of baby wipes, makes it all but impossible to get laid, unless of course you're looking to entertain that bear I mentioned earlier and, as bad as they stink, I still think the bear's sense of romance would be dampened by your ungodly stench! (Although I admit that one night about 6 days into this living hell it rained for about an hour. It was a nice warm rain, perfect for taking a nekkid nature shower on your back deck, which I did!! I ACTUALLY got clean!! It was amazing and probably the thing I am most thankful to Mother Nature for during that time!)
7. Have a conversation about ANYTHING other than the electric being out for so long!! ALL our conversations were either about "when the hell are they going to fix it", "we've been without for __(fill in number of days)" or "I'm so fucking sick of this". I'm as guilty as anyone else, but after a few days of "ripening" in the sun and NOT eating, you really can't think about too much else. Even now there are MANY conversations that have the electric outage dropped into them, but of course some of us have only had a few days here and there when our electric is actually on! (I'm on 10 days now!! Of course it's been off 6 times between most of those days, but today makes FOUR actually days in a row~!!!) I realize some people don't like to have a conversation before they fuck, but for me the intellectual foreplay is VITAL to get my pants (shorts, skirt, whatever) off....of course for the most part I only wore a bathing suit during the outage, unless of course when I ventured to the store for supplies, but still the intellectual foreplay would have been necessary....IF anyone could have stood being around me long enough for a conversation!
I know that was a lot to read in order for me to basically tell you the main thing you DON'T do in West Virginia in the summer (think sweltering, miserable heat) during a power outage is:
YOU DON'T HAVE SEX!!!!
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