I feel like I'm on a movie set.....

You know how on a movie set the do the "lights, camera, action" thing?  Well, sitting here in the middle of the night, listening to the violence of Mother Nature (I swear that bitch needs to get laid) I feel as though I'm on HER movie set.  Instead of "Lights, camera, action" it's "Thunder, lightening, darkness".

Yeah, the power thing is still, well, it's still a thing.....the bitch with the clapper is working overtime tonight.  My lights are flickering so much I need a drink and some disco music.  (For the slower ones among you....it's like a strobe light)  I had a movie set to record and guess what.....I got the "complete signal loss" message for over two hours....unfortunately the movie was only 1 hour 56 minutes......and I experienced the flashing disco lights the entire time.  It's odd how the lights will flash, but the tv/dvr won't go off.....hmmmm....something to think about.

Anyway, during the thunder/lightening/darkness/rain/wind portion of the evening my male dog, who is OBSESSED with fishing and will jump head first into the creek but won't go outside if it's raining, decided that he just HAD to take a piss.  I went to the door, knowing that he would refuse to go out, opened it and stood there like an idiot while this lazy ass dog pissed off the porch.  This type of thing is one of MANY reasons that I do not and will not live with a man, particularly a man from here.  They INSIST on pissing off the porch at least once a week......just because they can.  And that brings us to our next subject....men from around here.

Now, I have lived many places and I have NEVER met an odder mix of male quirks than I have here.  If it's not the tobacco chewing, monster truck driving, arch typical redneck, it's the fussy about their hair, fastidious dressing, pool shooting, bar trolling man whore  who has never understood the concept of being with ONLY one woman (as opposed to one at a time) and will die in their sleep, probably drunk and definitely alone.  Then there is the oddly religious, won't say shit if their mouth is full of it, but will have affairs at the drop of a hat, uptight male and the beer swilling, I don't give a shit, MY woman will OBEY me, sexist pig (usually they favor that particular animal as well) and the I'm a reformed bad boy who has discovered my inner child and it's a girl, unsure of my sexual orientation but too frightened to find out, shy, backward male.

The ONLY thing these males have is common is that ANY of them would piss off a porch at the first opportunity.  I think it's a "marking my territory" thing, but it may be a "my dick is waving in the air, I'm pissing on anything I can in the broad daylight and no one cares because I AM MAN" type of thing.  Not really sure, but I'm going to start asking so I can have a better idea which of the two rank higher.

At the risk of sounding sexist, you will NEVER see a woman hang her ass off a porch to take a piss "just because she can", nor do we "mark our territory" that way.  We "nest" to mark our territory....and believe me, pissing on something is NOT considered "nesting".  If you piss on our "nest" we will hurt you, viciously and repeatedly!!  Do NOT piss on our nesting rituals!!  Not if you want to continue being able to  piss off the porch while standing up.

Yeah I went there.  I'm a woman, what do you expect?  We INVENTED the low blow the first time a caveman grabbed a cave woman's hair.  Her hair hurt, but he was in such pain he couldn't do what he had set out to do.  From what I understand, and I don't have balls, well just brass ones, getting kicked in them seems to turn a man's mind away from sex and toward death!  We woman are very aware how tender those little dangling nuggets of meat are, and we are NOT above talking about them, slapping at them, or just out and out planting our little pointy shoes right between them with a force that will leave you puking for hours.  You males learn that in kindergarten, right after we females do.

Speaking of balls, I've often wondered why the Creator left them unprotected in such a central location.  I mean, damn, even a midget could  nut you without too much trouble. I believe it's to show fairness.  We bleed for days on end, cramping, craving, bloating, and you (men) bitch and whine about it.  So, you're balls are left for target practice when you step too far over the line with the "never trust anything that bleeds for five days and survives" bullshit.  I think a swift kick to the balls of any man who dares utter those words while a woman is on her period is not only justified, but deserved!!  But that's just my opinion.

The thunder is rumbling up the holler, getting louder and louder by the minute, so I guess I should put an end to this rambling insanity.

Y'all be good if you can and take safety precautions if you can't.

Later~